Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
