So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
