You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
