It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
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