Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
