there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
