I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It was confusing and full of hummus
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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