wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
