watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize