Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
