That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
