the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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