i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
