i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
