Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
