Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
