how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
