Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
