Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
