So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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