I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
