Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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