You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
