my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
