the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
