Cold hands, warm shart.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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