I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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