I skipped work to stalk him.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
