My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
