I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
