dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
