I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
