At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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