I need to stop coming to work sober
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
