I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
