I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I met the friendliest cop last night
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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