Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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