you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
