I'm so fucking centered right now
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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