he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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