grandma shit on top of the toilet
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
