Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
