I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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