So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize