Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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