I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
