I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
