I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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