According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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