i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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