Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
