There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
