Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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