Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize