Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
