We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
