dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
