Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
