We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize