I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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